Outside the Crown next morning, a wreath shaped like a giant emulsion brush stands propped against the recycling bin; as the breeze rises, wet white petals drip onto the pavement.
Oct 182012
Matt Haynes
Oct 122012
by Matt Haynes
I think we can all tell by the way he uses his walk that Neptune is… well, a bit of an old tart, frankly, especially after a dose of Saturday Night Sea Fever has led him to try busting a few salty moves at the local Palais de Danse. Not for him, though, Travolta’s white suit and pointy collars – instead, just some kind of disco cape, the sort of thing you might toss on hastily should the doorbell ring as you were nakedly honing your hustle at home. [read more…]
Oct 032012
… the Kilburn Newsdog says: “I recommend Smoke to all my regulars – it’s woofing great!” [read more…]
Sep 242012
The MoD this morning called for calm after confirming that London had been invaded overnight by Ant People. “We’ve offered to take them to our leader,” a spokesman said sadly, waving a photo of Boris Johnson, “but it seems they just want to go through our bins.” [read more…]
Sep 102012
by Matt Haynes
I picture his right foot tense on the accelerator, desperate to push down and unleash a fuel-injected spray of petrol and testosterone into the cylinder head. It’s so stupid, so futile. If he’d just waited, handbrake on, behind the line, I’d have gone past, and we’d both now be on our way. Instead, I’ve slowed almost to walking pace; I need to be able to throw myself sideways, if he decides he needs to make a point. [read more…]
Sep 052012
“Sorry, mate,” says the man on the footbridge, turning aside to let me cycle past. “Cheers,” I reply. He nods, tight-lipped, then continues urinating onto the Blackwall Tunnel Southern Approach.
Aug 272012
On the trunks of the plane trees lining the western side of Kennington Road between Kennington Cross and the traffic lights at Lambeth Road are fastened small metal nameplates each bearing the name of an Apollo astronaut. They’ve been there at least twenty years, but no one seems to know who put them there, or why. [read more…]
Aug 262012
… because maybe the sight of Mo Farah breaking free to win the 10,000 metres as if he’d just looked up and seen the last through train to Lewisham pulling into Pudding Mill Lane (and had temporarily forgotten that Pudding Mill Lane was closed for the duration of the Games in case people tried to use it) struck a chord and, if it did, we’d love to know. [read more…]
Aug 212012
LOCOG has denied openly mocking motorists in south-east London with its new Olympic road closures. [read more…]
Aug 192012
As the train brings her closer to him, she re-reads his texted description but finds herself distracted by just how many houses in Purley have trampolines in their back gardens.