On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Twelve chuggers chugging in the rain outside Superdrug in Kilburn on Saturday morning
Eleven hype men hyping two hours later than advertised onstage at Brixton Academy
Ten drunks-a-sleeping on the last southbound train from Angel before being woken up by a cleaner in Morden
Nine shady chancers selling genuine Rollex and Louise Vuitton in the doorways of repossessed shops on Oxford Street
Eight mimes a-nnoying anyone walking along the South Bank by a-painting themselves gold and then just bloody a-standing there
Seven points-a-failing outside London Bridge, with tickets a-being accepted on most local bus routes
Six greasy shavings of oddly gristly meat in a stale pitta from that kebab shop on Kentish Town Road we swore we’d never go in again
FIVE WHEELIE BINS that are not bins
Four collie turds in a Budgens carrier bag hung from a tree in Clissold Park
Three French exchange students staring sulkily at their iPhones instead of Shakespeare’s Globe
Two purple gloves stuck on the railings outside James Wolfe Primary School
AND A PIGEON IN A PUDDLE!
